Written by Jared DeVries
INT. CHURCH - SANCTUARY - DAY
A wide-open sanctuary. Double doors in back, stage and podium up front. Rows of chairs face the stage, with an aisle down the middle.
Three quarters of the chairs have congregates, dressed in their Sunday best, seated. PHILIP (42), the pastor, stands at the podium and delivers his sermon. MARTHA (40), Philip’s wife, sits in the front row. DAVID (30) and another USHER wait at the back, holding OFFERING BASKETS.
JAMES (27), slips inside and scans the room.
DAVID
(whisper-shouting)
James!
James turns around and walks to David.
JAMES
Is this a joke? Where’s my money?
DAVID
You’ll get it. Just trust me.
PHILIP
Now, I’m sure you’re eager to hear me go on but before I do, I’m gonna ask that you take this time to go forth and give your tithes and offerings.
DAVID
(to James)
Gimme a sec.
David and the Usher pass their baskets to the congregation. The congregation place ENVELOPES into the baskets and pass them back. David and the Usher collect their baskets and return to the doors. Philip continues with his sermon.
DAVID
See these envelopes? Care to guess how much is in each of them?
JAMES
How much?
DAVID
Four to five thousand, every week.
James smiles.
INT. SANCTUARY - DAY - MONTHS LATER
Philip gives his sermon. James and David stand in the back next to the doors, both now dressed in their Sunday best.
PHILIP
Before I go on, with Thanksgiving coming up, I think it’s good to be thankful and for that reason, I wanna thank some people who mean a lot to me. I’d like to thank my wife, Martha. My friends: Joshua, Dave and Eric. And my friends, the ushers: David and our new usher, James.
INT. SANCTUARY - LATER
Philip and Martha stand at the back and shake hands with members of the congregation. James and David stand by the doors, holding their now full offering baskets.
Philip walks over to James and slaps him on the shoulder.
PHILIP
Good sermon today, Jim?
JAMES
(forced)
Great sermon.
He slaps James on the shoulder again.
PHILIP
That’s what I like to hear.
He looks at his WRISTWATCH.
PHILIP
Hey Dave, can you count the offerings again? I’ve got 12 O'clock tee time at the golf course across town.
DAVID
No worries. James and I’ll tackle it ASAP.
PHILIP
God bless.
Philip and Martha exit.
INT. CHURCH - BACKROOM - DAY
A cramped room with no windows. A wooden table sits in the center.
James and David sit at the table. They stack the MONEY into piles based on denomination.
JAMES
I count two thousand and fifty. You?
DAVID
Two thousand, one hundred and sixty-five.
JAMES
That’s four thousand, two hundred and fifteen. Shall we say five hundred each?
DAVID
No, no. No more than ten percent each.
JAMES
Fine.
David’s CELLPHONE rings.
DAVID
It’s Martha. I gotta take this.
David stands and answers the phone.
DAVID
Hello... Yes... Oh... I understand... We’ll be right over.
He hangs up and sighs heavily. He sits back down.
JAMES
What?
DAVID
Philip’s dead.
INT. FUNERAL HOME - PREP ROOM - NIGHT
A windowless room. A gurney with corpse lying upon it stands in the center, covered by a WHITE SHEET.
The CORONER (47) enters, leading Martha, James and David in. The Coroner folds the white sheet up, revealing the upper half of Philip’s corpse.
Martha sobs into James’ shoulder. James awkwardly pats her head.
JAMES
Martha, why don’t you go home. David and I will deal with things for now and we’ll call you when you’re needed.
(to Coroner)
If that’s okay with you?
CORONER
Makes no difference to me.
Martha sniffles.
MARTHA
Okay.
Martha exits.
CORONER
One of the stranger deaths I’ve seen, that’s for sure. According to the son, he ricocheted his golf ball off a tree, hit himself in the groin, doubled over, tripped on his golf bag and hit his head on a rock.
JAMES
Yes, well, thank you doc. Would you mind getting us that paperwork?
CORONER
Sure.
The Coroner exits.
DAVID
Welp, there goes our meal ticket.
JAMES
What do you mean? I mean, yes, he’s dead but it’s not like the whole church burnt to the ground.
DAVID
And who’s gonna replace him?
JAMES
Martha?
DAVID
Martha? You think that blubbering drunken housewife can replace her husband? It’ll be like replacing Freddie Mercury with a baked potato.
JAMES
Fuck!
DAVID
Looks like it’s back to pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
James stares at Philip's corpse.
JAMES
Maybe not.
DAVID
What do you mean?
JAMES
What was the name of that redneck you used to scalp tickets with?
***CONTINUED***